That’s the best thing I’ve ever seen!

Offer potato

I’VE ONLY PLAYED THE FIRST. I’VE BEEN MEANING TO PLAY THE SECOND.

I SAID NO LOLLYGAGGIN

WHAT GAME IS THIS FROM? THIS IS AN AMAZINGLY HILARIOUS QUOTE AND I WOULD LIKE TO PLAY THE GAME!

Happy birthday!

I will now!

He was shot around 10:15 pm on April 14 and died across the street at 7:22 am on April 15.

The first woman to be executed by the US federal government was executed as a result of Lincoln’s assassination. Her name was Mary Surratt and her youngest son, Johnny, was considered Booth’s “right hand man”.

I was about to comment something along the lines of “You add water and drink it, dumbass” but then I realized that it does not, in fact, say metamucil. I’m the dumbass.

Any time I can’t pet the dog.

I know a lot about the Lincoln assassination.

You got it

Mortuary Grill: where yesterday’s grief is today’s beef! Who can I serve you today?

Run around an island with a bunch of talking, bipedal animals.

I’m unfamiliar with that quote

The FBI or CIA wanted me dead, so they hired Deadpool to take care of me. He thought he’d be too recognizable in his red suit, so he put on a disguise over his suit: a Deadpool t-shirt. Then he chased me through a massive warehouse doing some sick parkour stunts.

I took an introduction to nursing class in high school where we had to know the names of all the bones, the chambers of the heart, CPR, etc. During one particular topic, one of the students kinda snapped and exclaimed “I’m too stupid for this!” The teacher, a badass ER nurse who was a single mom, rode a Harley, and had seen everything from electrocuted flesh to years-old bed sores, simply said “Good. That means you’re learning.”

I work with special needs kids, and whenever they complain about feeling stupid, I pass along that wisdom, but in a bit nicer way: “You’re not stupid, you’re just learning.”

Highly recommend the Piano Guys. They mix classical music with modern hits.