This is my first time writing a post (and in an internet forum).
Last year, I found about narcissism through a few videos on YouTube. I was able to come to a conclusion that my parents (and some relatives) were narcissistic. They had shown these traits throughout my childhood.
Since then, I’ve been trying to make a couple of changes in order to help with the situation with my parents (like moving to another room, grey rocking). But it had a few side effects.
I’ve had to sacrifice self-care for a few months in order to remain low-contact. I’ve tried subtly asking them to get self-care products so I cope with most of the things going around at our house (we had a bug/fly problem, and much more).
Nowadays it isn’t much safe and I want to be able to change that. Is there any possible way to still live with the situation (until you’re at an age where you can get a steady income, have some independence)?
Please don’t diagnose people using YouTube.
Okay, a narc is someone who tattles on you, it usually means someone who gives info to police, but it’s been used for people who “tells on” someone to someone else. It’s pronounced with a hard c, like a k sound “nark.”
Just so you don’t abbreviate narcissism as narc in the future.
Now I want to start calling people "narse"s with no context.
Narsi? Narsee?
Nah (in Australian)
No, I have NPD and we’re called narcs sometimes. It’s often used in the community as a shorthand, but generally if it comes from a neurotypical it’s a slur. I’m aware of the other meaning of the word and I don’t have a problem with it, but I tend not to use it because it just reminds me of the homonym which is actually offensive.
It’s also a common abbreviation for narcissist.
No, it’s not.
Yeah it is. Context could help you figure that out too
I’m not an expert but my general understanding is that its unlikely you’d have both parents be narcissists. A true narcissist is too self absorbed to stay in a relationship with someone else who’s also that self absorbed. Narcissists tend to be in relationships with people who have opposite traits, highly empathetic and easily manipulated. Not saying it can’t happen but youtube isn’t necessarily the best diagnostic tool.
If at all possible, I recommend you see if there are any counseling resources available to you at school or through your local government. Also recommend you read some actual books on the subject, not just get info from YouTube and the internet. Hopefully you live in a place with a public library. Many libraries have a way to check out ebooks and read them on a phone app, which may easier and more discreet.
And I’d urge you to remember two things.
First, it gets better. It can be hard to believe, and it can feel like forever, but it gets better.
Second, narcissism is just another reaction to a traumatic childhood. No one is born a monster. They’re worthy of compassion, even if you can’t have a functional relationship with them.
I’m genuinely shocked that you’re the only one in this thread who picked up on “I’d never heard of narcissism until I recently watched some YouTube videos and concluded that both my parents and several of my relatives are narcissists.”.
I’m not going to say it’s impossible, but I’m highly skeptical.
Regardless of the reliability of the definitions used, I really do think you have provided the best advice in this thread. OP, if you read this, I agree with them full-heartedly. Seak out whatever counseling you can and look to more than just YouTube / the internet for information.
I’ll be honest, I mentally dropped off the topic the moment I saw that they education came from Youtube. That’s equivalent to not having any information.
I do plan on searching help elsewhere in the future, although I’m not sure where to look for. Some replies seem to offer some insight on where to start.
First of all, if you’re serious about it, drop the whole point. Your information is at best incomplete and wrong, and at worst hurtful.
If anything, get an actual expert in. As in, talk to a doctor (a psychiatrist), Youtube will at worst tell you nothing and in most cases feed you bullshit making you invest time and effort into things that might make things worse. Mental problems are a medical issue just like a broken leg would be, and most people understand that you cannot diagnose the details of a fracture just from watching a Youtube video, nevermind fix it.
While I agree that you can’t diagnose others without formal training, if OP’s parents are narcissists, asking them to talk to a medical professional would likely blow up in OP’s face. Also, any reputable psychiatrist or psychologist will refuse to diagnose someone else based on second-hand information.
The most such a person (or anyone in a counselling position, like a school guidance counsellor) could do is help OP cope with their situation. That would likely be helpful, but it should be clear that most of the changes would need to come from within OP.
This is genuinely good advice for growing up in the modern world.
OP is 13.
Where do you see them stating that?
Did you read the post?
Some of this advice may not be applicable based off your situation.
- Get involved in extracurricular activities. This gets you out of the house and gets you more exposure to people your age. It also might look good to colleges. If at all possible, do so without ever requiring your parents to help you, especially time critical things like rides
- Alternatively or additionally, get an after school / weekend job. This does the same things as the previous one but also gets you money that can help you leave ASAP
- When you are home, be nice. Honestly, be too nice. If I were advising my teenage self, I’d say “Hedgehog, imagine that you’re dealing with a very powerful toddler. You need the toddler to feel loved, so make sure to smile, keep your tone nice, and compliment it (what a nice outfit; thanks for helping with xyz; etc) even if the compliment feels ridiculous, like “I was just thinking about how cool was.” You can’t be candid with them; you’re not dealing with a rational person, but you are dealing with someone who has power over you. You might prefer to think of them like a jailer or an alien zookeeper.
- Take care of yourself. Make sure you’re eating right, exercising, drinking water, getting fresh air, wearing clean clothes, sleeping in a bed with clean sheets and bedding, etc…
- Remind yourself that just because the alien zookeeper said something about you doesn’t make it true. Aliens aren’t exactly good judges of human character.
- Don’t tell your narcissist parents that this is what you’re doing. It took me far too long to realize that when post people are actively opposed to understanding what you tell them, there’s no way to explain it to them that they’ll get it. So don’t make things harder for yourself by telling them they’re narcissistic or an alien zookeeper or whatever.
- Do your best to not get angry or otherwise act unpleasant.
- On the other hand, do your best to firmly, but calmly defend your boundaries, when it’s important.
- Pick your battles.
- If possible, don’t have battles at all. Get your way without making it a fight. Ask for things only when they’re in a good mood.
Some of these things “enable” narcissistic behavior, but if you’re moving out in a few years then it won’t be your problem anymore.
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Infantilising mental disabilities is a dick move.
In this case it’s a survival strategy.
“Narcissistic behaviour” is an ableist dogwhistle. We don’t talk about enabling deaf behaviour, or autistic behaviour, because those are disabilities we treat with a modicum more respect.
We talk about enabling harmful behaviour. No one has a right to harm others, not even those with a disability.
I’m sorry you’re in such a bad spot, that sounds really hard. Are you able to share more specifically what type of self-care you feel you’re missing?
If you are able, it might be helpful to begin to formulate an exit plan. Try to put some money aside if you’re able (in an account they don’t have access to, if that’s a concern). Look into resources and therapy that might be available (if you’re in school, your school might offer this for free and confidentially). Is there someone in your life you trust to talk through what you’re dealing with?
I can list a few basic things (like showering, brushing teeth, etc.) The bathrooms at our house aren’t well maintained, but it’s usually rare to find little to no flies (or any sort of bug) in the upstairs one. Otherwise, I’m not able to use the restrooms to do the things I need to do.
I was considering about finding a support system through chat rooms, although school would be nice, except I remember I would avoid trying to initiate a conversation with teachers, students, etc. through my middle school years. I’ll be a freshman in a few days, so yeah that’s something to think about.
You never have to sacrifice self-care.
In more recent posts we learn this person wishes to lock their bedroom door and sneak internet into their room, yet they are allowed to use the internet in main areas of the house. This sounds far less narcissistic then it is concerned parents.
cause invisible chayos
If you’re not a psychiatrist, then you don’t have the training needed to diagnose someone with a mental disability. I don’t care whether your parents actually have NPD or not, but the risk of armchair diagnosing someone is that you’ll just amplify stereotypes. You diagnose them because they meet a stereotype, and then you study their behaviour and reach the conclusion that narcisstists act like the stereotype, and then you spread your conclusion. It’s citogenesis.
Also “narc” when used to say someone has NPD is straight up a slur.
No matter whether the diagnosis is accurate in this case. OP’s parents are harmful for some reason. No need to make OP’s situation even harder, internet stranger. Be kind to kids, please.
Welcome to the internet. Begin able to change your reality demands the higher sacrife and nothing come easily. Isn’t about your age or the money, most of the time what we think is awful is just nothing compare to the sacrifice need it to change. Alot of people who run away from their abusive families ends to find the same reality with a lot more abusive jobs, roommates or landlords. So what the deal? World is just an hell and what we can do it? Nothing, existing for some times, eating potatoes, doing stuff, not aspecting the happy ending, and yes there is always a way to go on in any situation.
Lmao what the hell kind of response is this? Looks like AI generated nonsense with spelling mistakes.
It seems like English is not their first language. What I think they were saying is that escaping from a difficult living situation doesn’t always guarantee a better one since anyone you live with could be monstrously shitty, even if they arent your parents.
They believe that you can make do where you are because life is hell and “what’s the point?” Not that I believe that absolutely dire worldview, but that seems to be their point.
TL;DR Just besa Nihilism Choom.
