When I was in 2nd grade, I was stuck in a corner for participating too much. This character flaw has followed me all my life. My ex told me people didn’t like me because I shared my thoughts too much, and I just got feedback from my boss about the same thing.
The thing is, I’ve tried to stop my whole life. I only participate maybe 10% of the time, and I generally try to let others speak first unless no one is speaking up. But I’m still getting this feedback. I’m like a bull in a china shop, knocking down everyone no matter how careful I try to be.
The only solution I can come up with is to assume no one wants to hear from me and disengage. Stop caring, stop thinking, and stop participating altogether. I already feel isolated from everyone. This is just making it worse. I think I have to face the fact that I’m not welcome in any degree.
Any other ideas?
i feel the same isolation and like you I’ve tried everything. The situation is slightly improved when I lost weight, and I think it will improve a bit more when I fix my teeth. I have come to your own conclusions, it is all physical appearance.
Be careful you’re not mixing causation and correlation, if you have self-esteem issues due to your appearance, that might be affecting how you come across in conversation. In my experience, physical appearance is a factor for how people judge you before you open your mouth, but if you speak with confidence and make good contributions, people will look past your appearance.
I know self esteem is part of it but it doesn’t do anyone any favours pretending like most humans treat each other differently based on their appearance. I don’t care how sanctimonious you feel you do it too. You wouldn’t treat a person who’s clean, well dressed and has an educated demeanour the same as a smelly, ugly homeless person who was saying the exact same thing to you.
I think you replied a bit too hastily - I agree that we do treat people differently based on appearance, it’s actually in my comment:
I try my best to treat people well regardless of their appearance or physical attributes, but you’re absolutely right in that some of it is implicit (i.e. we have no control over it).
By the way, unhoused people often are in that position through no fault of their own, and should absolutely be listened to, and supported in any way that we can. Many of them are educated and have very insightful things to say. It’s worth keeping in mind that it’s absolutely possible that all of your property and wealth could be taken away at any moment, and think about how that might shape your perspective.
Yes I probably did, sorry about that, I think I was just pointing out that it’s sometimes not truely helpful to sugar coat the shitty parts of human nature, especially when someone is at a loss and searching for solutions. It can lead to even worse feelings of injustice because the person is no longer thinking people are doing things unintentionally and instead that they themselves must be the problem like they are cursed. It can lead to feelings of helplessness and poor mental health because it’s no longer something that can be rationalised.
I agree with your last reply and I try to put in the extra effort to compensate for the implicit behaviour. Problem is when you compensate you’re acknowledging there’s a bias on you’re own part so it can seem disingenuous which can be even more destructive. It has a lot of similarities with the affirmative action conundrum.
And I completely acknowledge that I myself am only a few unlucky events or poor choices away from homelessness.
That’s your experience. My experience is completely opposite. I’ve always been sure of myself, brave in exposing me, as the author of the topic says. The physical aspect is my handicap, confirmed by my experiences, being obese repels most people, so much as being physically weak, having the crooked teeth, hair or untreated beard. Going beyond the physical aspect is a good thought, but you don’t find it in more than 1 out of 10,000, maybe even 100,000 people.
Thank you for being so open and honest about your experiences, I think that’s very brave of you, and I appreciate that a lot.
I’m not going to invalidate your experience, of course, but it’s not universal. I’m physically disabled and beyond obese, and personally, I feel that the rest of my appearance leaves much to be desired, but I haven’t had big issues with rejection/isolation since I was a teen, I had some personality/behavioural issues which I have overcome quite well imo, and now I’m relatively successful socially, despite my appearance absolutely deteriorating.
Likewise, my experience is not universal, but I believe that your opinion, that your physical appearance is 100% responsible for how people interact with you socially, is completely wrong, and in some ways harmful. It plays a major part, I won’t deny that, but if you’re the most gorgeous person on the planet but have every personality defect known to humankind, I don’t think you’ll experience truly meaningful, long-lasting, loving relationships with others.